Ends Up in 3.

still thinking on what just happened. a life event that ends up exactly three months, didn’t thought of this coming.

 

we were friends, close friends to be specific where we also didn’t expect that we would fall for each other. I really felt the love from him, and i know it was real. we still act like friends but with a twist in front of the people around us and also to each other. we were so happy to be with each other like there is no tomorrow for us to be happy. WAGAS ang kaligayahan.. until we reached our second month, I didn’t thought that there are some people who don’t want to be us, jealousy, insecurities maybe why they question our relationship. I stood up for US, but the negative thoughts they’re giving me is eating me piece by piece where I somewhat also question our relationship. I’m too weak to hide it from him and I told that to him. And THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE.

I know it hurts for him not to trust our relationship to last forever and also question his love for me. After that, there’s no show from him, told me that he can’t stop thinking about what I said. I apologized to him because I know it’s my fault why he’s being like that. Yes, we see each other, talk through the phone but not like the past months. Still blaming myself, can’t stop thinking about him, didn’t know what to do, I lost control in reality for the whole month, and then I received a message from him that he is now ready to talk one on one. I was so scared, while reading that message, I already felt the pain that he was going to break up with me, but I said to myself positive thinking, we’re going to talk to fix what happened.

When that day came, I was so nervous, keeping myself calm even though I can’t. I’m so scared losing him. Random thoughts in my head until it all turned into blank when he said direct to the point, “Ayoko na.” that line kept playing in my head where I completely don’t understand why. I asked him that and he just said that because of what I said to him last month, he gives up. I can’t speak, all of my thoughts was just in my head. I don’t want to lose him. We can still fix it and be with each other again. The reason was too unacceptable for me why he’s giving up on us that easy. I don’t understand. I told him that I’m still fighting, and I can’t fight without him, he just told me to stop because he’s done, he already stopped and also moved on, and he wants me to do the same and then he left me alone where we were. WHY?! How can he moved on that fast?

Some of my friends accompany me after that, they told me to move on like what he just told me, but how can I do that if I love him that much and I can’t let him go? then there I knew some information that I don’t know if I will believe on it or not. I need confirmed information desperately.

I still want to talk to him, confront him if I may about what I’m hearing, but I can’t. But still I asked him to talk again with me alone even without the confirmed truths. I want to hear it again from him why and he just told me the same things. I was mad, but took control of it somehow and didn’t told him what information I knew. I’m not violent like the others, I’m not going to hurt anyone or what, I just need the information from them so I can clear my mind and stop. I know I lost control of myself because of wanting to know the truth desperately but didn’t thought that I already hurt a lot of people, innocent people because of it.

The information was confirmed and somewhat completes me. I knew he wasn’t that kind of person, it was just my fault to hurt him that much. I told all the people around me that I’m sorry. I’m just hoping that they’ll forgive me, mostly for that one person, that innocent person I still don’t know.

This part of my life seems to be the hardest to accept, the wound is so deep, sagad to the bones. It hurts because a big part of me was taken, but I still need to move on even though incomplete. Well, maybe someday. We end up being friends again, but not like the old times. Live my life again but not like the good times. I may encounter a lot of haters, but I can’t blame them, it’s my fault and I know what I did wrong, and I don’t have any intentions to let it happen again. Lesson learned, never repeat a bad history. Past is past.

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